Why Do I Feel Like I’ve Lost Myself in Midlife?
Have you found yourself thinking “I don’t recognise who I am anymore”?
It’s one of the most frequent sentences I hear from women in midlife whispered during coaching sessions, typed into late-night messages and searched online in moments of quiet worry.
This sense of losing yourself can feel unsettling. You may look the same on the outside but inside, everything feels different: your energy, your stress tolerance, your motivation, your confidence, even the way you respond to situations that once felt effortless. And because no one prepared you for this, it’s easy to assume the worst…that you’re somehow failing, falling behind or becoming someone you don’t want to be.
Let me say this clearly:
Nothing about this change is a personal failing.
You are responding to a real, biological and psychological shift that affects how you think, feel and function and there are ways to anchor yourself again.
This article guides you gently through what’s happening, why it feels so personal and how to begin reclaiming the version of you that feels grounded, purposeful and fully present.
Why This Feels So Personal: The Identity Shift of Midlife
Many women describe a sudden, unexpected distance between who they’ve always been and who they feel like now. They say things like:
“I used to bounce back quickly. Now everything takes more out of me.”
“My brain feels like it’s running at half speed.”
“I’m not as patient as I used to be.”
“My motivation has evaporated.”
“I don’t feel in control of my emotions.”
This isn’t vanity or self-criticism, it’s an identity question.
Because for years, you’ve built your sense of self around being the capable one, the reliable one, the one who remembers everything, organises everything, absorbs everything, handles everything.
But midlife creates a perfect storm of changes:
Cognitive shifts (concentration, mental load, word-finding)
Emotional changes (irritability, anxiety, low mood)
Physiological symptoms (sleep disruption, temperature changes, fatigue)
Life circumstances (caring responsibilities, work pressures, ageing parents, career transitions)
Social expectations (being everything to everyone)
When your capacity changes, even temporarily, it can shake the foundations of who you believe yourself to be.
And because women are often told to simply “push through,” many internalise the struggle as a flaw.
It is not.
This is a moment of transition not a loss of self.
What’s Happening in the Brain and Body
Reproductive hormone changes, especially fluctuating or declining oestrogen, influence multiple systems in the body, including mood, sleep, temperature regulation and cognitive processing. (Professor Susan Davis explains these brain–hormone pathways in her extensive research on menopause neuroscience.)
This can show up as:
disrupted sleep (which worsens everything)
increased stress reactivity
reduced tolerance for multitasking
feeling emotionally “quicker to react”
dips in processing speed
changes in motivation and reward pathways
less resilience to overwhelm
However, and this is crucial, these changes are not permanent.
The brain is highly adaptable.
Your routines, habits, environment, boundaries and support all influence how you experience this transition.
And while medical care may be part of the picture for some women (that’s a conversation for your GP or specialist), behaviour and lifestyle choices also significantly affect how grounded, energised and clear-headed you feel.
This is where coaching becomes transformative.
The Hidden Weight Midlife Women Carry
Beyond biology, midlife brings an invisible emotional load that rarely gets spoken about.
Women often carry:
the majority of household administration
mental load and emotional labour
caregiving for children, teens or adults
navigating relationship shifts
career stagnation or ageism
financial pressure
grief for parents, partners or identity itself
This burden is documented across multiple academic fields, including behavioural science and social psychology.
When your body is under pressure and your life is full, your capacity naturally narrows.
That narrowing can feel like losing yourself.
But it’s actually your body signalling that something needs to shift.
Why Motivation Feels Different And Why That’s Normal
Many women come to me saying:
“I used to be so disciplined. What happened?”
Here is the truth:
Your motivation hasn’t disappeared, it’s being pulled in too many directions.
Midlife often exposes years of over-functioning: saying yes, carrying too much, ignoring needs, skipping rest or prioritising others over yourself.
When hormones shift, sleep dips and stress load climbs, the brain prioritises energy conservation. This is protective, not passive. You’re not “lazy.” You’re not “unfocused.” You’re not “letting yourself go.”
You’re tired.
You’re stretched.
You’re overdue for support.
And you are absolutely capable of rebuilding habits and identity from this point … with the right scaffolding.
Three Steps to Start Reclaiming “You” Again
These practices are at the heart of my coaching work because they’re powerful and realisitic.
1. Reconnect With Your Current Capacity (Not Your Past Self)
One of the most compassionate things you can do is stop measuring yourself against a previous version of you; the one who could juggle everything, sprint through days and recover instantly.
Your current capacity isn’t a downgrade.
It’s data.
Take a moment each morning to ask:
What feels possible today?
What feels supportive?
Where do I need softness, not speed?
When women start working with their real capacity instead of their expected capacity, everything changes: energy, confidence, even sleep.
2. Anchor Yourself With One Non-Negotiable Habit
Identity comes from repeated, aligned action.
Not big action, consistent action.
Choose one small, repeatable, identity-affirming habit you do daily. This might be:
a 10-minute morning walk
breakfast with protein
two minutes of paced breathing before bed
journalling one line about how you feel
a screen-free wind down
a hydration routine
The habit is less important than the message it delivers:
“I support myself. I keep promises to myself. I am rebuilding on purpose.”
This is where identity starts to re-root.
3. Redraw Your Boundaries With a Midlife Lens
Midlife demands new boundaries not because you’re less capable but because your needs have evolved.
Try asking:
What drains me that didn’t drain me before?
What am I saying yes to that no longer aligns with the season I’m in?
Where can I choose ease over obligation?
Women often rediscover themselves the moment they stop over-performing in roles they’ve outgrown.
You Haven’t Lost Yourself, You’re Updating Yourself
This is a transition, not a disappearance.
The version of you that feels grounded, steady, purposeful, joyful and clear?
She’s still there.
She’s waiting for space, support and a permission slip to re-emerge.
You don’t need to navigate this alone.
And you certainly don’t need to “push through” or “just get on with it.”
You are allowed to pause.
You are allowed to reassess.
You are allowed to rebuild with intention.
If This Is Resonating, You’re Exactly Who I Support
If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, flat, unlike yourself or unsure where to begin then this is the work I do every single day with women just like you.
Coaching isn’t about telling you what to do.
It’s about helping you:
understand what your mind and body are communicating
rebuild habits that feel grounding and doable
create routines that support your energy and wellbeing
reduce overwhelm with simple, evidence-informed strategies
reconnect to the version of you that feels strong, steady and self-led
If you’re ready to feel more like yourself again, I’d love to help you get there.
Book your free 30 minute Menopause Heart-to-Heart Call
Or explore my coaching programmes:
Fuel & Live Well:
https://www.themenopausehealthcoach.com/services#fuel-live-well
Move & Live Well:
https://www.themenopausehealthcoach.com/services#fuel-move-well
You don’t need to wait for things to get worse.
You can begin anchoring yourself again today, gently, compassionately and with the support you deserve.
